memories are costly. memories are priceless. memories do not last. memories do have values. memories can be negative. memories can be positive. memories can make one weaker. memories can make one stronger. memories bring you the virtual world. memories bring you the improvised world.
you choose what you want to see in your memories.
I read one of my friends' blog today and his post seems to reflect the kind of experience I had during his time. It just brings back memories of the time when the O level results were released. The sun was smiling and the sky was happy.
That day could be the most beautiful day and yet it could also be one of the most darkest day of someone's life.
All dressed up and ready to go, my heart was beating normally. I wasn't excited at all neither was I feeling any sense of enjoyment. I stayed calm and easy but deep inside me, somewhere I felt dreadful. "Is something going to happen?" I asked myself.
Through the gate the car passed, I remained the same with neither excitement nor anxiety. Thinking it was due to the sleepless nights, I went to the hall with a smile forced onto my face.
Students were chatting along happily as they have missed each other for the whole 3 months. Like me, they were happy to see their old schoolmates. But unlike me, they seem joyful as they await the next big thing.
I looked at the teachers walking in and out of the office. I scanned the environment I was in. There were no smiles or congratulation from the teachers I know. Everyone kept themselves away from the students. This strange feeling I had grew stronger and I knew something unexpected is going to happen. But what was it?
Walking to the door on my way into the hall, I saw a teacher who I knew. He was warm and all kind, but he just showed me a comfort smile as I said "Hi." What has happened?
Ms. Cheng was the speaker for that day. She was one of the best teachers I ever met. She kept focusing and repeating this phrase "This is not the end. Remember." Whenever she says that phrase I had the feeling she was directing it to me. But why?
From that point on, I have forseen the outcome of my results. I failed English with a 7 and left the hall silently on that day.
The memory I had then were the happy faces of the students. Everyone was congratulating one another and some were even jumping in joy. I felt lost then and all I wanted to do was to head back home.
I met my parents in the car and felt reluctant and ashamed to hand them my results. This feeling was similar to the one I had when I got my PSLE results. Knowing that I was posted to the Normal Academic stream, I was devastated and embarrassed to call my mum.
As I handed them the results, I hold back my tears and said very proudly "I got a 7 for English." Like always, my parents knew I was never academically strong and was happy that I was applicable to enter into a Polytechnic.
"I never wanted you to go to a JC. I am happy that you can go to a poly. You did your best." my mum replied.
Deep in her heart, I knew my mum had pinned high hopes on me into getting into a Junior College. Likewise, I had also set myself prepared to enter into a JC and did really well for all my subjects. But this dream was crashed by a piece of paper that I didn't do well.
On the way home in the car, I appeared to be normal holding back the tears. Silence befalls in the car. No one said anything and no one ask anything. I look out the window seeing the happy faces of the students on the street. Why can't I be like them?
Upon reaching home, I closed the door behind me and my vision became blur. I knew what had happened and sat there sobbing. "Why am I so stupid?" I asked myself.
Night came and it was bedtime. I had a chat with my parents and went to bed shortly. As I closed my eyes, I felt my cheeks getting wet. I asked myself, "Why am I so stupid?"
My friend called me the next day and asked how I was doing. He seems aware of the situation and said the teachers were looking for me yesterday. My mouth trembled and I said "I'm ok." As soon as the conversation ended, I put down the phone and my eyes felt damped. I asked myself, "Why am I so stupid?"